Soy Made Me Gay

It seems that everyone has one these days, isn’t it time you got yours?  That’s right, nothing says “I’m a Mormon of the 2000s” than your very own gay best friend.  He’ll be there to listen when that douche of a singles-ward EQ president dumps you for some 19 year old co-ed-without-a-brain.  He’ll even remember to bring your favorite ice cream!  No one snuggles quite like him, either!  He’ll never break your heart (but don’t try to capture his).  So don’t wait, get your new gay best friend today! *

It seems as though I am always the gay maid man of honor…never the gay husband.

A lot of people don’t seem to understand why it can be hard for a moho to get married.  Not that it can’t happen, the gay mormon blogosphere has several examples of mixed orientation marriages that seem to be doing fine, but I for one find myself not wanting to get married.  I’m not saying it’ll never happen.  It’s just not something that’s on my horizon right now.

A question that I’ve gotten in the past has been “why don’t you just date more masculine women?”  At the time, I had no idea how to answer.  If I was attracted to men, shouldn’t I be attracted to man-like women?  I finally heard the perfect explanation from the mouth of a straight guy (supposedly, I maintain that he has at least experimented) that I know when he said that it wasn’t about personality, it was about anatomy.  He actually used much more graphic language, but I’ll spare you the details.  However crass he was, he was completely right.  Besides the fact that the butch softball player didn’t have all that sparkling of a personality, quite frankly she didn’t have the anatomy that my anatomy was interested in.

Within this context, the guys I am attracted to make more sense: I find I am actually attracted to sensitive and even effeminate guys.  Really masculine men usually fail to hold my interest.  If it were about personality, one would think I would be attracted to women, but I find myself sometimes getting irritated with “girly” girls to the point of exasperation.  (Because seriously, I don’t care about your new shoes.  They are just shoes.)  In the end, the anatomies just aren’t compatible (ironically enough).

There are sometimes that they are not only not compatible, they are incredibly incompatible.  Almost every gay guy has heard some straight person talk about how weird and gross they think gay sex is.  Well, there are times when almost all I can think about is sex.  These periods can last from a few hours to a few days (or even a few weeks) and from what I’ve been able to learn, it isn’t a gay thing, it’s a guy thing.  Most of the time, the female form holds no interest for me, but when I get in this mode (Abelard nerdily calls it pon-farr) the female body is actually kind of, well, gross.  I feel an actual aversion to having sex with a woman instead of the normal indifference.  Sometimes I don’t even want to be touched by a woman.

There was a time that an Abercrombie and Fitch billboard would almost cause me a panic attack.  (Seriously, there’s one where it is just some guy’s jeans-clad crotch.  I realize I live in the “gay” part of town, but still.)  I felt so ashamed for being sexually attracted to other men.  I tried to kill the attraction however I could and force myself to be attracted to women.  What I eventually found was this actually made things worse.  The more I told myself not to look at the posters in the Universal Gear window, the more I found myself walking by them.  It would seriously cause me emotional turmoil.

Now when I watch Casino Royale with friends I don’t freak out when I wish that they would linger more on the shot of Daniel Craig in those tight blue trunks because I know that the guys around me are wishing they’d cut back to the woman in a bikini riding the horse (I’d roll my eyes at the cliche of it all, if they weren’t busy looking for more shots of Mr. Craig in the waves).  Whatever our anatomies are attracted to, they are going to want it no matter what and, quite honestly, there is little we can do about it.  What we are responsible for, however, is how far we let our anatomies take us.

So, don’t go on and on about how gross you think gay sex is.  We get it.  You don’t understand it.  You know why?  Because you are straight.  I’m not really on board with what you do Saturday mornings before the kids wake up, but you don’t here me compla…ah, crap, now that image is in my head.  Thanks a lot.

*Allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery.  No guarantees are made to the hotness of the Fedex guy.