Top 5 Things Straight Guys Like That Are Really Gay

Straight guys have become really gay lately.  Sure, you don’t see too many singing show tunes and appreciating Jane Austen, but they have managed to adopt some gayery that would make Matthew Broderick proud.  (What?  He’s straight?  …really?)

5. Cycling Clothes

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I guess you could call it the “Lance Armstrong Effect”: no matter how revealing the clothing, no matter how rainbow-flag colorful it is, you get a sports star to almost single-handedly beat the French and you’ll have a cavalry of straight two-wheeling imitators in stretchy-pants tearing through your neighborhood every Sunday morning.  At least, most of the time, the guys who don the contour-hugging shorts have the body to pull if off (unlike the “Greg Lougainis Speedo”).  French-beating aside, Pearl Izumi sounds like a designer that should appear on “Project Runway” not ESPN2.

4. Metrosexuality

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Guys paying attention to fashion and personal appearance have become such the norm (especially in urban areas) that the traditional view of masculinity was dubbed “retrosexuality”.  Thanks to evolving opinions on what makes a man a man, a guy can now be plucked, trimmed, can-tanned, teased, man-scaped, and even pedicured without being labeled a “confirmed bachelor” by his friends.  I’m all for straight guys getting their “queer eye”, but just don’t go overboard.

3. Men’s Health Magazine

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It used to almost be a cliche: what do you find in both men’s and women’s beauty magazines?  Pictures of scantily-clad women.  Well, this man-Cosmo was one of the first to break that pattern.  You couldn’t have more shirtless guys in its pages if you put up a disco ball and started blasting Moby remixes.  Sure, the headlines read “What She Wants” and “The 7 Things Every Woman Looks For In A Man”, but, come on, who really buys Men’s Health for the articles?

2. Ultimate Fighting

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You’re flipping through the channels and you come across two guys wrapped around each other in Lycra trunk shorts pummeling each other until the blood flies.  No, those naughty websites haven’t infiltrated your cable, you’re just watching the UFC or one of its clones.  I’m not a queer theorist, but come on, there is less homoeroticism on Logo.  Watch the match long enough and you’ll end up seeing the buff, half-naked guys work themselves into positions that would make Perez Hilton blush.

1. Sports Team Butt Slap

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Ah, the the classic example of straight-male bonding that makes it ok for you to reach out and touch someone.  To bad it doesn’t extend outside of sports.  Ace that final?  Awesome!  Butt-slap!  Nail the presentation!  Cool Beans!  Butt-slap!  Finish your first countdown-style blog post?  Freaking A!  Butt-slap!

One thought on “Top 5 Things Straight Guys Like That Are Really Gay

  1. Kengo Biddles

    Never understood the butt-slap.

    Don’t really do metro.

    but I think it’s totally hilarious what straight guys do in certain contexts…

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