What Gay Mormons Need
“I believe that gay politics will be one of the main forces in near-future years that will weed out the goats from the sheep within Mormonism—not just those who allow themselves to become gay, but also those who sympathize with their politics.”
I became saddened this week while reading some Mormon blogs that were discussing California’s same-sex marriage situation right now. My issue wasn’t over the fact that they were opposing same-sex marriage, but that it was obvious that some of the people writing the blogs have never met a gay Mormon in their life. At least, I hope they haven’t because if they have and still maintain their antiquated views, I’m concerned by the lack of charity among the membership.
Last week, I sent an email to my family telling them about my “situation”. The response was almost completely positive. It was obvious that one of my sisters was unsure what it all meant, but she still made it clear that she loved me. I got several “we feel sorry you’ve dealt with this for so long without us”-type responses and, to be honest, I was mildly annoyed by that. I knew what they meant, but in actuality, telling them is going to be a lot of work on my part because for several of them, I’m basically going to have to “train” them on how to deal with me.
In the past, if you found yourself gay and in the church, you buried it, married some unsuspecting woman, and white-knuckled your way though life. Unfortunately, repression like that has side effects. If you are trying to bury gayness, the guilt and shame guarantees that sexuality is going to rule your life. It messes with your head. When you are constantly trying to force the thought of men from your mind, you are constantly thinking about the men around you…every man around you. Your sexuality becomes an emotional problem that you self-medicate with pornography and other sexual addictions. That is what homosexuality used to be.
But times are changing. I’m not saying that the gay community doesn’t have its “dirty little secrets”, because it certainly does, but as homosexuality and gay marriage enters more and more in the mainstream (which it will), it is going to become more of an appealing option for those who find themselves struggling over which path to follow.
I’m not suggesting the church change doctrine, but as society forces guys to face their sexuality earlier and earlier, the church is going to lose even more gay guys to the world than they are now (and trust me, it’s already losing more than it is retaining). Most teenagers don’t have the firm testimony necessary for seeing them through a crisis of sexuality and while in times past, sheltered upbringings (like mine) allowed guys to “put off” issues of sexuality until later, that is going to become less common. In order for these guys to grow and gain the testimony that they are going to need to see them through the rough times ahead, they are going to need to feel that the Church is a safe place for them to figure all that stuff out.
And right now, it’s not.
The current attitude among members, which is reminiscent of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, just gives the message that this is something that we need to hide and that it is something that we should be ashamed of. Policies like, for example, counseling that we shouldn’t maintain close relationships of the same sex just gives the message that, because you are gay, you can’t control yourself and are naturally predisposed to sin. Such attitudes don’t foster a safe environment that is needed to foster faith and testimony.
Faced with that atmosphere, guys are going to look at the message that the world offers that with gay marriage they, too, can have loving families (which is what we want, hard as it may be to believe). Then they are going to leave.
Here is what we need in order for the Church to be a safe environment for gay members:
- We need to feel accepted for who we are.
Feeling that being gay is something that you never want us to talk about with makes us assume that you will only tolerate us if we don’t “go there”. - We need it to not be assumed that we are participating in grievous sin simply because we are gay.
The general attitude in the church seems to be that you assume worthiness unless proven otherwise. This should apply to us, too. - We need to feel needed.
We have talents, just like everyone else and we want to serve. We don’t want to be the ones you “just don’t know what to do with”. - We need to not feel pressured to enter into heterosexual relationships.
The Church is getting better about this, but a lot of bishops still maintain the attitude that if you haven’t acted out on your feelings you aren’t completely gay and you can still be swayed back to heterosexuality by dating and marriage. Also, alluding to number 2, don’t assume that we don’t want to get married because we don’t feel like we could control ourselves. I don’t forsee getting married not because I worry that I will start toe-tapping Senators in bathrooms, but because romantic relationships with women don’t feel normal, natural, and above all, honest to me (this is even assuming the woman knows that I’m gay). - We need you not to criticize us if we decide to date and marry.
Some guys feel that they can enter into a marriage and make it work. Their marriage will have enough hurdles without everyone assuming that it is some sort of sham. - We need to stop hearing hate-filled statements at Church about gay people.
When you talk about how “gross”, “unnatural”, and “weird” gays are, you are saying the same thing about me sitting next to you in Elder’s Quorum. Taking a stand against immorality is hating the sin. Talking about how you would rather your son be dead than gay is hating the sinner.
It seems to be a popular thought that the issue of same-sex marriage is going to separate the Church from the world and I agree. Some even forsee a wave of persecution aimed at the Church for our stance on the issue. What I’m worried about is that in their zeal to separate themselves from the world, the members of the Church harden their hearts to the faithful gay members doing our best to live the commandments. Living the Gospel can be hard enough (for everyone). The last thing we need is to make it harder for each other.
Also “those who allow themselves to become gay” is one of the most ignorant things I’ve heard in a while.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:14 am #Kengo Biddles
This post really, really resonates with me. I hope that it gets to the right “ears” and “eyes”. Maybe it will do some good. As always, Cliff, a pleasure to read your blog.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 am #Cliff
Thanks, Kengo B.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm #Abelard
Like Kengo, these resonate with me. I would add a couple more
7. Don’t get hung up on how we choose to identify ourselves
Some of us don’t like terms like Same Sex Attracted or Same Gender Attracted. Just because we call ourselves gay or queer or whatever doesn’t mean that is how we define ourselves.
8. Don’t fret about who we choose as our friends
When we have gay friends, it’s no different than you having straight friends, or friends of the gender to whom you are attracted to. Sometimes it’s just nice to be around other people like us – people who understand what it’s like to be us.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:02 pm #MoHoHawaii
Great post!
My prediction is that the church will become more accepting over time. The church has a long, long history of eventually adapting to the views of the American middle class. You can see this most recently with the change of attitude toward women.
I remember 20 years ago or so when some people thought the church was going to explode over the issue of women’s roles. The older generation had patriarchal views that were simply unacceptable to young people. Over time, the church more or less adapted. The patriarchal institutions are still in place but most couples just work around them. Most LDS marriages now follow the egalitarian pattern, even if there is sometimes lip service paid to the idea of patriarchy.
I think something like this will happen with gayness. The older attitude just doesn’t play anymore with younger church members. Add 20 years, and the church will be a much more welcoming place. I don’t expect any change of doctrine, just emphasis and attitude.
Thanks again for a good post and best of luck!
July 6th, 2008 at 9:04 am #Alain K.
After quoting the Bigelow comments above, you expressed the same sentiments I felt after reading B’s shameful rant against homosexuals on his blog. It’s amazing how otherwise rather liberal-minded people can come out as bigots when you give them enough time; it reminds me of something I read about Orson S. Card; when a gay reporter, having asked him to confirm that he had a friendly stance on homosexuality, was instead treated to an angry tirade.
Also, as you mention, “some even forsee a wave of persecution aimed at the Church for our stance on the issue.”
This idea, that of “persecution” of the Church in these times, just sounds comical. The FLDS can probably claim to have been “persecuted” by “the world”, but not the mainstream Church.
I rather empathise with your fear of the actual persecution that does take place, namely that of gay people by the Church.
I think, as MoHoHawaii said, that the Church will become more tolerant, but it won’t be in the near term; it will come, like other changes, about 50 years after the other mainstream Churches have changed their stance.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:08 pm #Cliff
I think the Church thinks it is more mainstream than it really is. The whole hubbub around Romney’s candidacy gave us a taste of that. The truth is, while they’re more than happy to pander to our bloc voting, the majority of the Christian right don’t consider us part of them. I grew up Mormon in the Bible Belt and personally saw anti-Mormon activity by local protestant churches (as have many members, I’m sure). I’m not saying that we are considered to be on the fringe, I’m just saying that we are deluding ourselves if we think that outside of Utah we’ve entered the mainstream.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:03 am #TheFaithfulDissident
I’m so glad I discovered your blog! It’s so refreshing to hear your perspective about being gay and Mormon. I want so much to understand both sides of the issue and I often feel so torn between what all the conservative Mormons say and what feels right for me (I’m an active, faithful LDS, but I tend to lean towards the left). Sometimes I honestly don’t know where I stand on the issue because it is so complex and emotional. I think the biggest mistake we can all make is to look at it in black and white. I think it deserves a lot more than that.
I especially love this post of what gay Mormons need because I think that too many are still under the assuption that a Mormon like you can’t really be an upstanding member of the Church.
I also followed the heated debate on the Bloggernacle about the California letter and was surprised by some of the deep-rooted negative sentiments that some members still hold towards their fellow Mormon brothers and sisters who happen to be gay. I wish that we would all realize that opening our minds doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to compromise our standards and I’ve tried to talk about this in my own blog.
I’m going to add you to my list on my blog, hope you’ll stop by sometime. I think more people need to read what you have to say. Hope you don’t mind. :)
July 18th, 2008 at 10:10 am #Cliff
#8 TFD, welcome and thanks for the add!
September 28th, 2008 at 12:21 am #Velikiye Kniaz
Dear brethren,
Things will get better for gay Mormons and I believe that it will happen in less than 50 years. I am now ‘middle-aged’, that’s P.C. for “past it”, and thus likely old enough to be most, if not all, of your fathers. I am also a convert, having joined the Church when I was 17. I met my beloved when he was on his mission in what was then my home state. We both agreed that it was vitally important that he keep his commitments to our Father in Heaven and serve a clean and righteous mission. This actually worked out wonderfully for us because we got to know each other without feeling the pressure to express our feelings for each other sexually. When his mission was over he returned to his home and was killed a short time later. That was 37 years ago. I still love him and if I think of him too much tears come to my eyes. Last year, I went to put some flowers on his grave early one morning and just as I knelt down to place the flowers the sun broke over the ridge of the mountains east of the cemetery and as the sun shone upon me and his grave, I wept as bitterly as the day he died. I knew that for just a few moments he was there and saw me and I could feel the warmth of his continuing love.
What angers me more than anything else about some members, and perhaps even some General Authorities attitudes is that their heterosexual love is superior to the love I and my partner have. In my case, as well as in other Gay Mormon’s cases, they don’t have a clue. I don’t know of any of my gay friends, especially gay Mormon friends who would ever trivialize or belittle their loving relationships with their spouses. This is the core of their predjudice and discrimination. For them, the Scripture, “God is love” should be amended to read, “God is only heterosexual love” or “God is just our kind of love”.
Since the time of my partner’s passing from this mortal realm, I have seen the Church change and the driving engine for that change has been the converts that join the Church and the rising generations of younger Saints who have grown up without the bias and predjudices of earlier generations. Someday brethren, these men and women will fill the callings and offices within the Church. And when they kneel and ask Heavenly Father about this issue, God will find their minds genuinely open to receive the Light and Knowledge He has for them.
Now I may or may not see that day myself, but I feel that many of you will. In the meantime, stay true to the Faith! Build your testimonies and your courage to face these last days. At least we can be thankful for one thing, when the times of persecution come again, we’ll know how to cope. “Been there and endured much the same!” Ironically, then it might be that our straight brothers and sisters will need to lean on us to weather these trials!
Take good care of yourselves. You might not feel it or realize it at the time, but as long as you are striving to live the Gospel to the best of your ability our Heavenly Father is with you. He will strengthen you, sustain you and lift you up through your darkest hours. As time passes and you reflect on these episodes of your life you will see His Hand and the influence of His Holy Spirit. You are not alone and never have been. There have been gay Latter-day Saints in every generation, including those who made the trek West. We have a worthy place in the Kingdom of God. He has called us out of the World and into his Church and Kingdom. He answers our prayers and sends the Holy Spirit to witness, veritfy and strengthen our testimonies. What greater acceptance than that can we hope for until the Saviour comes?
May God continue to bless and watch over you all.