My issue about marriage does not come from the same source at all but until not so long ago I could relate to your feelings about the subject. I am talking about panic attacks and disgust and cry and anger and rejection for something that was supposed to be a commandment and yet would produce such negative reaction. I am impressed by what you wrote and shared.
I cannot give you any good advise because I don’t think there is any. Just know that I found your blog yesterday and came back today to post this words.

@Kengo B. & @Dichotomy – I would never enter into a marriage unless I was comfortable with the idea and, as D. said, felt a “strong attraction” to the woman. What I guess worried me the most is the realization that the Lord sometimes does ask us to do things that are 180 degrees from what we want to do. This should come as no surprise to me, the fact that I have decided to stay in the church is sometimes extremely contrary to my personality, my desires, and sometimes even what I consider to be right. Having the Lord play the “I am God” card was unnerving just the same.

@Marlo – True. Sometimes He doesn’t actually require the sacrifice, but He still requires us to raise the knife. On many levels, the effect is the same.

@M – Don’t worry, I’m not easily offended. Comment anytime.

@JennVan – Welcome. At least half of the people who read and comment on this blog are not gay. Don’t worry, some of my best friends are straight. ;-)

I haven’t been to the temple in a long time. Not sure that I should. But your attitude and guts almost gives me the kick in the pants to go back. Wanna come to Europe? I’d go to a session or two with ya. :)

I should blog about this–but the point is, you seem to have the strength to do what the Lord requires. If he’s going to ask you to enter into a heterosexual marriage (which he may or may not), I believe he’ll give you a partner like my Miki that can support you as you go through it–someone who will know you, everything, and still love and support you.

It may not be “easy”, but it is worth it.

And on a personal note, Clint, this post was something I needed–I may explain why at some future time, but I needed your honesty here.

Thank you.

I hope you’ll get out of your couple-day dump.

A lot of your concerns are difficult to address in part because they are so common and not just to gay people, at least with respect to not feeling any particular uplift from the temple. For me, I started to just look at it as a kind of celestial bureaucracy of getting people’s paperwork into the right place. I don’t know if this is right to say, but I’m saying it anyway.

As for the marriage issue: don’t fall into Mormon checklist mode, which is particularly acute with the RM population. You come out of the mission with your head full of lofty ideals, high expectations, and prospects that become a kind of subconscious checklist that, until it is all marked off, you can’t feel complete. I’m not saying lofty ideals and high expectations are a bad thing, but as President Hinckley said regarding single persons, don’t become obsessed.

Just live your life and stay in tune with God. If he wants you to marry, the choice will be clear. His will will be clear.

In any case, I don’t know who I am acting like Mr. Guru here.
But take it for what it’s worth;
And if it’s not much,
You can throw it in the trash.

Right now you can’t imagine marrying a girl, but if you discovered one day that you actually feel a “great attraction” to a girl, would the idea of marrying her be so repugnant?

I highly doubt that God is going to just up and tell you one day that it’s time to settle down and get married, so find a girl and get to the temple post haste. If it’s ever right for you to marry a girl, by the time you actually get the prompting that you should do so, you’ll already know her and have developed feelings for her.

I dated my wife-to-be for most of our senior year of high school. We became best friends. We continued a semi-long-distance relationship while she went to college and I prepared for a mission, and we wrote each other while I was “in the field”.

About 20 months in, she wrote to let me know that she was getting confused about what she was supposed to do, because she was casually dating and had become friends with a guy who wanted to be more than friends with her. I got the letter and totally freaked out! At the time, I didn’t realize (or wouldn’t admit to myself) that I was gay, but I think that I knew subconsciously that if she married someone else, my chance of ever finding someone I would even be able to consider marrying were slim-to-none.

I don’t remember what I wrote her, but the way she tells it I practically proposed to her by mail. She was still single when I got home, and three months later we were married.

I’ve wondered, since I “came out” to myself, if things would have gone differently if I had acknowledged my homosexuality before my mission. Would I have still gotten married? I’ll never know, but I know that my wife and I are right for each other, so either it would have happened anyway, or God kept me in the dark about my sexuality so that I would not pass up the chance to marry her.

Anyway… I’m rambling, but don’t sweat the marriage thing. Either it will never happen, or you’ll be glad it did.