Soy Made Me Gay

They come every summer to our singles ward and swell the membership rolls by around fifty or so.  “Bug Boys”, they are usually called, although they usually refer to themselves as “Summer Sales” guys.  This army of young men (and a few women) flood neighborhoods during the humid months of June, July, and August selling pest control, alarm systems, satellite dishes, and whatever else their Western-based company is hawking.  Some are making money for their missions, some are trying to pay for college, and some are looking to expand their dating pool.  Occasionally, a few of these guys successfully integrate into the ward and there are several “it” members of the local social scene who originally arrived as bug boys.  Most often they stick to themselves, their shore-leave style attitudes putting off most of the locals who are ingrained with southern gentlemen and woman sensibilities.

When the Elder’s Quorum instructor posed the question, “How can we see a shift in values in the world today?” it was one of the bug boys from Utah that raised his hand.

“Homosexuality,” he responded.

“How so?” the teacher pressed for clarification.

“The world says it’s okay to like dudes,” the bug boy succinctly said.  The teacher remained in a stoic silence and the bug boy continued talking. My friend shot a glance over to me.  I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply.  I found myself being frustrated at the words being spoken, which were laced with a tone of disgust and anger.  I wanted to raise my hand, out myself, and tell this young guy that he didn’t know what the crap he was talking about.  I wanted to see the look on his face when he realized that one of those homosexuals that he hated so much was sitting in the same room with him at church.  But I didn’t.  The problem was, there was a lot of truth mixed in with his comments.  Extraction of the doctrine from the bigotry would require time and a calm surgeon and at that moment, neither existed.  The instructor deftly steered the conversation in another direction.  I looked over to my other friend, who was also gay.  He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders in a “what are ya gonna do?” sort of way.

The rest of Church passed pleasantly and the week moved on.  While passing a lull at work, I navigated on over to CNN.com and found a story about the persecution of homosexuals in Iraq.  Being gay in Iraq can be a death sentence which death is carried out only after days of torture and rape.  A shaved chest can be all the proof that some militias need to murder those suspected of being gay.  I recalled the Iranian prime minister when speaking at Columbia University callously (or ignorantly) remarking, “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals.”  I felt a familiar anger rise.  Did that bug boy think the same thing?  “In the Church, we don’t have homosexuals.”  I envisioned him in a group of Boy Scouts in Utah when he was younger, humiliating the queer-acting kid.

And then I stopped.

I realized that I was as guilty as the bug boy.  Actually, I was more guilty because I really knew the outcome of such anger and its source.  I was taking my anger at the Iraqi murders and associating it with a young man that was not guilty of such atrocities just like he was taking his own personal discomfort (and perhaps experience) and using it to cloud his judgment of all homosexuals.  We were both wrong – but I more so.  Because I knew better.

I am not a patient person.  In my desire to change the world and create safe places where everyone can grow spiritually, I sometimes let my personal frustrations get in the way and I have to fight the desire to call people out on their own personal hypocrisies.  But how can one fight ignorance and intolerance without creating a hypocrite of himself?  The God Loveth His Children pamphlet provides some insight when it advises, “Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully.”

It was obvious when I thought about it.  We can never change someone else.  We can change ourselves, the example of which can prompt other people to reevaluate their own lives.  If we try and force people to change through anger or public scorn, then we become just as hypocritical as they can be (if not more so).  That is what we gay members of the Church have to do.  We have to be the bigger person.  We have follow the example of Christ as closely as we can, focusing on serving others and truly growing spiritually in spite of the attitudes around us.  Basically, we have to turn the other cheek.  If people still think that we are evil, they will be judged according to their beliefs and it is out of our hands.  After all, Jesus taught:

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;  That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”  (Matthew 5:44-45)

I have a feeling that I will fail miserably sometimes.  I am not only impatient, but proud.  In the end, it will likely be my pride the Lord requires me to sacrifice.  But, hopefully, by trying to be the type of person God would have us be, we can all manage to help this Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints live up to its divinely-inspired name.

A couple of months ago, I decided (once again) that I was going to take up running. It was a decision that I had made countless times before as I fantasized about doing 5ks, 10ks, and even triathlons. I laced up my casual-style shoes and went jogging in the park near my home. The next day as I got out of bed, a sharp pain shot through my right foot. It was if a bit of living electricity had crawled in there and decided it was going flip that house. We had a shoot, so I spent all day hobbling around set with people asking if I was okay. I enjoyed the attention, but at the same time blowing it off to appear indifferent to the pain. I told myself I wasn’t allowed to go running again until I could buy proper shoes. Money was tight, so it would be another month or so before I could justify buying them.

In the meantime I started walking – everywhere. I started leaving my car at work and taking public transportation. By not having my car at home, it forced me to walk to places like the bank and grocery store, which were only a few blocks away, but previously were locations that I might have driven to on my way somewhere else. I soon discovered that walking everywhere was not only making me feel better physically, but spiritually as well. Free from the stress of traffic I found myself connecting with the city more. I started to notice just how many trees were packed into the spaces between the concrete and how many squirrels lived in the trees. I used the time while walking to meditate on whatever was concerning me at that moment.

After a month or so, I bought some cheap running shoes from Target and took off through the park. I had downloaded a couch-to-5k running podcast and had figured that I probably was on the level of week 8 of the 9-week program. I was a pretty fit guy after all, right?

Only 10 minutes into the run, I realized that I was in over my head. I came home and downloaded the week 1 episode.

And here is the point where I turn all this into a precarious metaphor for the Gospel.

For me, the Gospel is like running. I have all these big dreams of the things I can accomplish and the good it will do, but traditionally I throw myself in with such force that I usually end up exhausted, bruised, and with a desire to vomit. I would become discouraged and lay on the couch to watch tv. But this time, running (the Gospel, stick with me, here) has been different than every other attempt at commitment. I’ve forced myself to go slowly. I no longer constantly focus on running triathlons, but just enjoy the improved health I feel. If it leads to a triathlon, great. If not, whatever. In the Gospel, I still have some very important questions that I’ve put off answering until later. I’m just enjoying the improved spiritual health that I’ve experienced. Interestingly, one or two of those unanswerable questions has “accidentally” made themselves less incomprehensible….

Even in high school, I was never the fastest runner. In fact, I was almost always near the back of the group, but as the top one or two would start to falter, I would keep going. My legs would burn and I my pace would slow to an almost-walk, but I would keep going. You see, I am an endurance runner. I’ve never been a sprinter and probably never will be, but after many bright stars have fallen to the earth in a flash of burning light, you’ll still hear my rhythmic breathing in the dark, slowly moving forward.

I was talking with a bishop once where I said that I needed a certain amount of “gayness” in my life in order to be happy.  He was taken aback and likened it to someone saying that they needed a certain amount of sin in their life in order to be happy.  I knew that that wasn’t what I meant, but I couldn’t really explain myself then.  As the years have passed, however, I now know how to express what I meant then.

I accept myself as a homosexual.  By so doing, I accept the fact that I have attractions to members of my own sex.  I do not accept that I have to act on those inclinations.  I do not accept that I have to live a certain lifestyle.  A lot of people get real jittery when gays in the Church start “accepting their homosexuality”.  They seem to be confused why gays feel the need to talk about their homosexuality or even to refer to themselves as gays, SSA, SGA, homosexuals, whatever.  If homosexuality is a sin, shouldn’t you try to separate yourself as far as possibly from it?  Shouldn’t you try and be straight?  Yes…and no.

The main problem with gay people trying to be straight is…well, we are not.  Don’t get me wrong, many gay Mormons are leading happily married lives and for most of us, marriage is the ultimate goal (whenever that may happen).  For some guys, homosexual attractions have diminished over time and for a select few, homosexual attractions have disappeared altogether, but for many of us, homosexual attractions will be present for us in some degree for the rest of our lives.  Some of us swing so far right on the Kinsey Scale that we are unsure if we will ever get married in this life.  Seeing that homosexual attractions will likely be ever present, there can be danger in thinking of oneself as “straight” – just like everyone around us – because our individual circumstances often dictate that we act differently than other (straight) people around us.

For example, if I am attracted to a man and I get the feeling that he is attracted to me as well, I have the personal rule to try and not allow myself to get into a situation in which I may be alone with him.  By so doing, I remove the possibility of something inappropriate happening.  Do I think something might happen?  Not really, but it can’t if the situation never has a chance to present itself.  Do straight guys worry about such things?  No.  (They don’t, right?)  But I have to consider them.  Why?  Because I am gay.

So, for me, identifying myself as gay (or SSA, SGA, whatever) serves as a reminder of the additional boundaries that I have had to establish in my life in order to keep myself protected from unique temptation that I experience.

But there is another reason why I accept my homosexuality – to survive.  For whatever reason, being “in the closet” (I use this term in the LDS context of actively hiding one’s homosexual tendencies while trying to pass as straight) can cause lots of anxiety, despair, and depression.  Now, I don’t think that every gay guy in the Church needs to start wearing a rainbow tie to sacrament meeting, but there is a big difference in not talking about your sexuality because you don’t feel the need to and not talking about your sexuality because you feel you will be actively rejected by those around you if you do.  The Lord has made it very clear that homosexual acts are a sin, but homosexual attractions are not.  If we are made to feel that we should be ashamed for even having homosexual attractions – it’s very easy to turn that into self hatred, which leads to very bad things.  Every time in the past that I personally have allowed myself to slip into the “I’m straight, just like everyone else” mindset or felt the necessity to keep my sexuality to hidden because of likely rejection, I’ve always been slammed with massive depression and even suicidal ideations.  We don’t need to talk about it constantly (my friends sometimes point out that they’d expected me to talk more about it), but we need to know that we can talk about it without being the target of a real-world “smear the queer”.

“Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully.” (God Loveth His Children)

In my interactions with other members of the Church on the issue of homosexuality, I’ve often found myself grow hot under the collar when faced with ignorant attitudes and views.  In my haste to respond, if I have ever come across as unkind or accusatory towards others over this issue, I do apologize.  That was not my intent.  In my desire to have the Church be a safe haven for all of Heavenly Father’s children, I admit to sometimes being impatient.  This is not the correct response, however, but I should respond with love and kindness – including to those who may not be showing it.  It is by showing love (for our friends and our enemies) that we learn to be followers of Christ.

And that is one thing that hopefully we all can self-identify as.

This week I’ve been thinking about what the goal of this blog is.  If I had my way, what changes would I make among the membership and what would I consider to be a success?

I realized that a lot of the attitudes that I’d like to see in the Church as a whole, I already experience in my own singles ward.  It’s actually pretty rare to hear a homophobic remark at church or even by the members.  Even when gay jokes are made, they usually lighthearted and lack the edge of “that’s gross”.  Of those friends at Church I’ve told about my sexuality, I’ve universally been met with love and acceptance – even among those who are incredibly straight-laced.  I’m sure there are those out there who are uncomfortable with homosexuality, but it seems as though they don’t make their discomfort known very vocally.

While not racially very diverse (it is in the suburbs, after all), the ward is very diverse in terms of people’s backgrounds and interests.  When my straight-as-nails home teacher found out that I worked in television, he told me of his interest in acting and how he loved being in plays in college.  Some of the artsy/choir-boy types have destroyed me while playing Smash Brother’s Brawl on the Wii.  Even the Super Molly Mormon loves talking with me about quirky low-budget indie movies.  Most everyone seems fairly well rounded and balanced and when I really sit down and think about it, I realize how lucky I to be around such great people.

It wasn’t quite the same in my previous ward in a small southern town.  While the members were good people, I was definitely an anomaly.  It was a family ward, but had a relatively large YSA population being set near a large university.  The school drew a few “liberal Mormons”, but while I felt more accepted by them, I still didn’t find myself having too much in common because, while I give off a left-wing vibe, I’m actually fairly conservative.  Most of my friends who knew about my sexuality were very loving, but it was obvious that some had a bit of a hard time reconciling it with their beliefs.  I had my friends, but I didn’t feel very accepted by the ward as a whole.

Even though most of the differences are cultural, the biggest difference between my old ward and new is acceptance of people that are different – regardless of whether that difference is sexuality or voting for Obama.  At my old ward, even among my friends who listened to the same kind of music and liked the same kind of movies as I did, my sexuality was sometimes still awkward and foreign.  And that, I think, is the reason behind the acceptance of my sexuality – the experience of the members of the ward with gay people.

For most of the people at my old ward, their only experience with gay people was probably driving past that seedy club by the airport, but at my current ward, many of the members grew up around gay people in school and in their neighborhoods.  While they might not be 100% “whoo-hoo, fairies!” they do have enough experience with gay people to know that they aren’t the boogeymen that they can sometimes be portrayed to be.

And that is why it’s important to talk about the issue.  After putting up a post about gay marriage on a mainstream Mormon blog, one commenter chastised the author with, “Shame on you for bringing up such a controversial topic!”

Um, what?

In the vast majority of cases, talking is a good thing (and this is one of those cases).  It helps people to look past the misconceptions and bad feelings to get to the truth. Opinions based on truth are a good thing.  We encourage people of other faiths to talk to us directly before coming to a conclusion of our Christianity or beliefs.  Shouldn’t we do the same for gay people?   What’s the worst that could happen?

I know I said that I avoided this subject, but well, whatever.  The Mormon blogosphere has been quite abuzz lately over the California Amendment.  With the Church’s urging of people to express their views online it seems that both sides have come out in full force.  Unfortunately, however, the tone that a lot of these conversations take can be very damaging for gay members of the Church.  Discussions too often come down to mudslinging, name-calling, and personal attacks.

This morning, I read a post on a friend’s blog where she supported the ban on same-sex marriage (she doesn’t know that I am gay).  My issue was not over the fact that she didn’t support same-sex marriage, but that her writing was so cold and close-minded.  In my relatively short experience, being open-minded is a virtue and doesn’t involve what you believe, but how you respond when faced with things that you don’t believe.

I know a lot of members of the Church want to show their support of the prophet and speak out for their beliefs and I applaud their efforts.  What I warn, however, is that if you aren’t careful, you can alienate the members of the Church who are gay and striving to live the commandments or even those members who aren’t gay, but are struggling to resolve their faith and personal political views.

Here are some suggestions for when you are writing your blog post or having your conversation at church:

1. Vinegar just ticks people off.
   Suggesting that people who support same-sex marriage or are unsure of their position are “stupid” or “apostate” isn’t productive.  I assume you are writing a post or comment because you are trying to change someone’s mind or sway their opinion.  Personal attacks never change someone’s mind, but usually solidify it further in their opposition to you.  I had a roommate of another faith who moved out after my sexuality became too much for him to handle.  Now, every time he talks to me he preaches to me about how I need to come to Jesus (he doesn’t believe the LDS Church is Christian).  I found myself reacting so strongly against him that I eventually decided that he was impeding my progress in the gospel and I had to stop contact with him.  I know his intent was to convert me to the “true Jesus”, but his heavy-handedness  was starting to push me further away from God.  If he truly wanted to convert me, he should have tried being more understanding and loving.
2. Talk about what you know.
   The strongest and most understandable argument for supporting a same-sex marriage ban is that the Lord has a prophet on the earth and that that prophet Thomas S. Monson.  As the Lord’s mouthpiece, he has counseled us to support such an amendment.  State your testimony of his calling and guidance.  If you try to talk science or politics of which you only have a vague familiarity, your arguments starts to lose validity because a lot of gay Mormons know the studies, science, and theories probably better than you.  We can tell if you are talking about something you are completely ignorant of.  It can be like hearing protestant churches talking about what Mormons believe, even though it is obvious that their information came from completely inaccurate sources.  Please, please don’t base your entire knowledge of homosexuals on “that one guy in high school who I’m pretty sure is living with some guy in DC now”.  “I know not save the Lord hath commanded me” (Moses 5:6) is a valid argument.  Your testimony of prophets is your best bet.  Stick with it, unless you really know what you are doing.
3. Listen.
   I posted some comments on several blogs that had very active discussions about same-sex marriage.  They mostly pointed out the existence of gay Mormons and urged people to think about them as they made their statements.  My comments were largely ignored (interestingly, I was only acknowledged by the person making the most ignorant statements about homosexuality).  I was rather annoyed.  It was pretty clear that I was probably the only one in the discussion who was gay, but people were so busy arguing with each other, that the one person that this issue actually affected personally was disregarded – by both sides.  I briefly came to the conclusion that gays were just pawns in a Mormon political battle.  While I admit now that part of my frustration was due to a bruised ego, realize that these are people and not just principles that you are arguing over.
4. Imagine that everyone in the room is gay.
   It is possible, even likely, that someone in the Church meeting where you are expressing your opinion is gay or that a gay Mormon will be reading your blog.  You may be concrete in your views, but they may still have questions.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t have faith or a testimony -  they are just still unsure of some things.  Is your statement going to help or hurt their faith?  Imagine that your father/brother/husband is gay.  Could you say the exact same thing to their face without feeling uncomfortable?  No?  Then maybe you should sit back and revise -  not necessarily the end result, but the path to getting there.

The point of all this is that there are real people that are caught in the middle of this debate.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” debate because some of “us” are also some of “them” and while it may be easier if they were just “weeded out”, we need to remember that we aren’t the weeders.  The Lord does the weeding.  We are the caretakers.  Everyone is responsible for their own actions, but if we, through our actions or words, make it easier for one of the Lord’s beloveds to leave (regardless of the issue) or serve as a barrier to entry into the Kingdom, we will be held accountable for that.  Doctrine is doctrine, but as Joseph Smith taught:

“No power or influence can be or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned.

By kindness, and by pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile-

Reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase in love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”
D&C 121:41-43. (emphasis added)

“I believe that gay politics will be one of the main forces in near-future years that will weed out the goats from the sheep within Mormonism—not just those who allow themselves to become gay, but also those who sympathize with their politics.”

-Bigelow’s Rameumptom

I became saddened this week while reading some Mormon blogs that were discussing California’s same-sex marriage situation right now.  My issue wasn’t over the fact that they were opposing same-sex marriage, but that it was obvious that some of the people writing the blogs have never met a gay Mormon in their life.  At least, I hope they haven’t because if they have and still maintain their antiquated views, I’m concerned by the lack of charity among the membership.

Last week, I sent an email to my family telling them about my “situation”.  The response was almost completely positive.  It was obvious that one of my sisters was unsure what it all meant, but she still made it clear that she loved me.  I got several “we feel sorry you’ve dealt with this for so long without us”-type responses and, to be honest, I was mildly annoyed by that.  I knew what they meant, but in actuality, telling them is going to be a lot of work on my part because for several of them, I’m basically going to have to “train” them on how to deal with me.

In the past, if you found yourself gay and in the church, you buried it, married some unsuspecting woman, and white-knuckled your way though life.  Unfortunately, repression like that has side effects.  If you are trying to bury gayness, the guilt and shame guarantees that sexuality is going to rule your life.  It messes with your head.  When you are constantly trying to force the thought of men from your mind, you are constantly thinking about the men around you…every man around you.  Your sexuality becomes an emotional problem that you self-medicate with pornography and other sexual addictions.  That is what homosexuality used to be.

But times are changing.  I’m not saying that the gay community doesn’t have its “dirty little secrets”, because it certainly does, but as homosexuality and gay marriage enters more and more in the mainstream (which it will), it is going to become more of an appealing option for those who find themselves struggling over which path to follow.

I’m not suggesting the church change doctrine, but as society forces guys to face their sexuality earlier and earlier, the church is going to lose even more gay guys to the world than they are now (and trust me, it’s already losing more than it is retaining).  Most teenagers don’t have the firm testimony necessary for seeing them through a crisis of sexuality and while in times past, sheltered upbringings (like mine) allowed guys to “put off” issues of sexuality until later, that is going to become less common.  In order for these guys to grow and gain the testimony that they are going to need to see them through the rough times ahead, they are going to need to feel that the Church is a safe place for them to figure all that stuff out.

And right now, it’s not.

The current attitude among members, which is reminiscent of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, just gives the message that this is something that we need to hide and that it is something that we should be ashamed of.  Policies like, for example, counseling that we shouldn’t maintain close relationships of the same sex just gives the message that, because you are gay, you can’t control yourself and are naturally predisposed to sin.  Such attitudes don’t foster a safe environment that is needed to foster faith and testimony.

Faced with that atmosphere, guys are going to look at the message that the world offers that with gay marriage they, too, can have loving families (which is what we want, hard as it may be to believe).  Then they are going to leave.

Here is what we need in order for the Church to be a safe environment for gay members:

1. We need to feel accepted for who we are.
   Feeling that being gay is something that you never want us to talk about with makes us assume that you will only tolerate us if we don’t “go there”.
2. We need it to not be assumed that we are participating in grievous sin simply because we are gay.
   The general attitude in the church seems to be that you assume worthiness unless proven otherwise.  This should apply to us, too.
3. We need to feel needed.
   We have talents, just like everyone else and we want to serve.  We don’t want to be the ones you “just don’t know what to do with”.
4. We need to not feel pressured to enter into heterosexual relationships.
   The Church is getting better about this, but a lot of bishops still maintain the attitude that if you haven’t acted out on your feelings you aren’t completely gay and you can still be swayed back to heterosexuality by dating and marriage.  Also, alluding to number 2, don’t assume that we don’t want to get married because we don’t feel like we could control ourselves.  I don’t forsee getting married not because I worry that I will start toe-tapping Senators in bathrooms, but because romantic relationships with women don’t feel normal, natural, and above all, honest to me (this is even assuming the woman knows that I’m gay).
5. We need you not to criticize us if we decide to date and marry.
   Some guys feel that they can enter into a marriage and make it work.  Their marriage will have enough hurdles without everyone assuming that it is some sort of sham.
6. We need to stop hearing hate-filled statements at Church about gay people.
   When you talk about how “gross”, “unnatural”, and “weird” gays are, you are saying the same thing about me sitting next to you in Elder’s Quorum.  Taking a stand against immorality is hating the sin.  Talking about how you would rather your son be dead than gay is hating the sinner.

It seems to be a popular thought that the issue of same-sex marriage is going to separate the Church from the world and I agree.  Some even forsee a wave of persecution aimed at the Church for our stance on the issue.  What I’m worried about is that in their zeal to separate themselves from the world, the members of the Church harden their hearts to the faithful gay members doing our best to live the commandments.  Living the Gospel can be hard enough (for everyone).  The last thing we need is to make it harder for each other.

Also “those who allow themselves to become gay” is one of the most ignorant things I’ve heard in a while.