Soy Made Me Gay

So, I am going on my first honest-to-goodness-take-more-than-one-day-off-work vacation in over two years.  Tomorrow I leave for a week and a half to go to Europe.

Friggen A.

What does that mean for Soy?  Well, it means that it’ll be neglected for the next couple of weeks.  I’d fully intended on writing several posts and scheduling them to be go up while I was away, but with a mountain of pre-vacation work that I’ve been hit with, it doesn’t look like I’ll have the time.  I’ll leave comment moderation off (so, play nice), but that also means that there might be some spam or crazies lurking about.  I apologize, but I’ll just have to deal with anything like that when I get back.  Plus if your incredibly insightful comment gets wrongfully snatched up by the spam filter, sorry, it’ll be up in a couple of weeks.

Thanks for reading and you’ll hear from me when I get back!

-Clint

I knew that it would come and sure enough, roughly one week after coming out my ward, friends, and the Internet, I caught myself thinking, “well, what now?”

Church went along as normal yesterday (as I expected it to).  Work is going along as normal.  Life is going along as normal.  I knew it would, but it is sometimes strange to actually see it..  The world didn’t explode once I revealed that I, in fact, think Lee Fanning from Pushing Daisies is just adorable.  I wasn’t stoned for making it known that I was in the group of people watching Resident Evil for Eric Mabius, not Milla Jovovich (it’s not like anyone watched it for the plot).  When all was said and done, it wasn’t as important to people that I was gay as much as I was trying to live my life in a Christ-like manner-which is something we have in common.  Sometimes people surprise you.  Sometimes, they wonderfully don’t.

So where do I go from here?  To be honest, I’m not 100% sure.  I have some ideas of a long-term direction, but I’m still figuring things out a bit.  The Church has done its job well; I want a family.  It’s just the whole wife part that I’m not really on board with.  Gay marriage is out.  So…yeah….  A large problem for me is that, well, I don’t like working – at any job.  When I’m the only one who benefits from it, it feels especially pointless.  Sure, sure “keep myself from starving to death in a gutter” carries some motivation, but providing for a family seems like it would be more worthwhile.  Yeah, someone to go through life with would be nice.  It would even be nicer if they were hot….

Anyway.

I’m not dwelling too much on this.  I learned a while ago that if I focus too much on the future, I end up making myself miserable.  The future will happen whether I worry about it or not.  So, I think about it for a while and then leave it alone for a bit.  But yeah, the future…who knows?  You know?

I was sitting in my car yesterday after a shoot while waiting for a guy to come pick up the HD camera.  I was listening to music and wiped the green screen paint off my fingers before switching to the next song on my iPod.  As I listened to “Peace and Hate” by The Submarines, I realized that I felt…weird.  I sat there for a few moments, trying to identify the feeling that I felt.  Once I did, I almost laughed out loud; the feeling that I was having such a hard time identifying was that I felt normal.

Since Sunday, I’ve had my anxious moments, but I’ve never doubted that outing myself was the right thing to do.  The posts on my personal blog, facebook, and this blog were all overwhelmingly supportive.

I tried to make sure that I was at a state where I didn’t view coming out as a solution to anything.  I tried to make sure that I was in a state where if I came out and everything went very wrong, that I would still be okay.  That being said, coming out has been great for my personal self-worth.  Let’s face it, having most of the people that are most important to you (and even complete strangers) tell you that they support you would benefit just about anyone.

I don’t necessarily recommend coming out publicly like I did.  Some people may need some time to come to terms with their own sexuality before they let everyone know.  Some people’s situations are more complicated than mine.  Some are content to just let a few friends and family know and as long as they aren’t constantly plagued by negative thoughts toward themselves, I support them.  I, however, knew that for me to continue as a productive member of the Church, I could not longer live with the thought that I had to keep that part of myself secret.  So I came out, and so far, so good.

But life continues on.  I know that coming out hasn’t solved all my problems.  I know that there will still be loneliness, frustration, and all the other negative emotions that one can think of.  But there is one that I refuse to feel anymore and that is the need to hide myself from the world.

I’m Clint and I am a gay man.  …Friggin awesome.

Hi Cliff,

I have a question for you related to this post. If you don’t want to respond here publicly, you can email me the response (or not if you don’t want to at all).

You mention that you reached a point where you felt like God, knowing your situation, would accept whatever decision you made and keep on loving you. From what I’ve learned by reading other people’s experiences regarding this issue, this is a somewhat common feeling amongst those faced with this choice. Even those who choose a different path claim that God stays with them as they are true to their best selves and I believe them.

What is your interpretation as to why there is such a difference between what the Church says will happen and what happens in reality? Do you think this is a situation in which the Church simply feels its doing what’s in the best interest of the group and leaves it up to individuals to receive personal revelation concerning their own lives? What are your personal beliefs of what will happen in the future with this issue?

That said, I do not ask these questions to get you to question your personal choice. I kind of take the C.L. Pearson approach, which is everyone makes their choice according to personal feelings and we wish them the best. I’m just curious as to your thoughts.

-M

I had a bishop one time that was talking about one of his kids who was faced with the large decision of where they should attend college.  The daughter went to her father, the bishop, and asked him what she should do.  He gave her some pros and cons of the schools on her list, but she pressed him further asking specifically what school she should attend.  The father flatly refused.  He said that it was her decision, not his, and he wasn’t going to be blamed if she went to a school and hated it.  It was her decision.

I feel that the place that I came to with the Lord was similar.  I believe that He knew that whatever decision I made needed to be truly mine if it was going to stick at all.  He let me know the pros and the cons, but in the end the decision was mine and He wasn’t going to let me blame Him for my choices.  The decision was made and I truly felt that it was mine and was the right thing for me to do.

But what if my decision had been different?  What if I had decided to leave the Church behind and pursue romantic homosexual relationships?  Would God have still loved me?  Would He have still been with me?  I believe that, yes, He would have loved me and still been with me. Why?

Because He is my Father.

My earthly parents have never abandoned me or shunned me because of my decisions.  Even faced with the potential of me leaving the Church, they let me know that I was always welcome in their home, but there would be “ground rules” if I brought home a boyfriend.  God would have likely done the same thing.  I was still His son and was always welcome, but there would be some things that I would have to forfeit (most of which was Church-worthiness related).  He would “accept” my decision in the context that He would respect it as being my decision, but I also believe Him to strive to encourage me to live the best life I could framed in the decisions that I had made.  I don’t know that for a fact because my decision was the one thing and not the other.  All I know for sure, I guess, was that the Lord wanted me to make the decision for myself and whatever I chose He would love me as His son.  I don’t believe God to be the great abandoner that we sometimes make Him out to be.

As for the “what is your interpretation as to why there is such a difference between what the Church says will happen and what happens in reality?” question, I don’t think this is usually the case.  Often we try to make the doctrine as black and white as we can.  It makes sense.  An “if-you-do-this-then-this-would-happen” approach is a lot easier because it requires relatively little faith, just action.  What happens, though, when bad things happen to good people?  When “ask and ye shall receive” doesn’t seem to work?  When every time you read the scriptures, you feel bad instead of good?

Does it mean that the prophet/Church/scriptures are wrong?

Maybe.  But if the Church is actually true, if the prophet is really the Lord’s mouthpiece, and the scriptures are inspired, then maybe it just means that the world isn’t as black and white as we want it to be.  Maybe the Lord fully intended to teach correct principles and to have us govern ourselves.  Maybe he wanted us to be responsible for our own actions and act for ourselves even if we don’t get a push-button-feel-good response.  Such a world is scary.  It’s a world where making correct decisions can make our life harder/sadder/lonelier.  Where everything can be taken away and there is no guarantee of it being given back in this life.  How do we know if we are making the right decisions if we can’t always look at the consequences for proof?  That is a question that we have to answer for ourselves.  The only promise that we have is that at some point it will all be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that everything that sucks about this life/bodies/world will be fixed.  But it might not be until after this life.  God said that it would happen.  And I believe Him.

Almost all of the time.

Little Bear: We did it!

Telly: We did it!

Little Bear: We are the best firefly catchers ever!

Telly: I know!

Little Bear: Wow, look at him glowing in the jar!

Telly: Yeah!

(beat)

Little Bear: Does he look like he is getting dimmer to you?

Telly: Yeah.  And he looks a little sad.

Little Bear: Why do you think he is sad?

Telly: I don’t know….

Leela: Hey guys, whatcha doing?

Telly: We caught a firefly.

Little Bear: But he isn’t as bright now and he looks sad.

Leela: Why do you suppose he’s sad?

Telly: We don’t know.

Leela: Why don’t you pretend to be him?  Then maybe you’ll know why he’s sad.

Little Bear: Pretend to be fireflies?

Leela: Sure!

Telly: Okay, here goes….

Little Bear: I am a firefly flying around!

Telly: Me too!  But wait…I’m trapped in a jar!

Little Bear: I don’t want to be trapped in a jar!

Telly: I need to fly free!

Little Bear: THAT’S IT!

Telly: What’s what?

Little: The firefly is sad because he is trapped in the jar!

Leela: I think you guys might be right!

Telly unscrews the lid.

Telly: There you go, little firefly.  Fly free!

The firefly’s light grows bright and flies away.

Little Bear: You know what, Telly?

Telly: What?

Little Bear: It’s a lot more fun to pretend to be fireflies than it is to catch them.

Telly: Hey, you’re right!

As Leela laughs, the two friends flap their arms, pretending to be fireflies.

- – - -

It’s amazing what incredibly obvious things we can learn when we fly around for a while in someone else’s Mason jar.

Let’s face it, with the advent of metrosexuality and modern concepts of hygiene and grooming, it’s now harder than ever to determine if the guy in the snappy pinstripe suit sitting next to you in your singles ward Elder’s Quorum “plays for the other team”, “swings that way”, or “overuses clichés” if you “get my drift”. But with this handy list, you’ll now be able to pick that homormon out of Institute class faster than an English student correcting your grammar, even when it doesn’t fricking matter!

1. He sings in the choir even when he isn’t trying to get a date with a soprano.
   This guy actually wants us to believe that he enjoys singing. Nice try Mr. Homosexual! The next thing you’ll want us to believe is that acting in the Ward Roadshow is a “great way to get to know people”. If by “people” you mean “dudes” then yes it is.
2. He’s 25 and single.
   Nothing says menace to society and flaming queer like being unmarried and in your late twenties. In fact, being unmarried after your 25th birthday is actually one of the biggest causes of homosexuality. Look it up. It’s science.
3. He “hangs out” with girls a lot.
   Everyone knows that since hanging out ban was made the eleventh commandment, the only righteous way to spend time with the ladies is to take them out on a date that is paid for and prearranged. Anything less organized or expensive should be considered homosexual behavior.
4. He brings a pie to the Linger Longer.
   Any cooking done by a straight man has to be in grill or dutch oven form and usually involves ground beef and tin foil. What will he bring next? Non-M&Med cookies?!
5. He doesn’t kiss on the first date.
   Don’t let his assertions that he respects women fool you, if he refuses to kiss a girl until at least the second or (wait for it) ….third date, he must be terrified of women and therefore is a gay.

There you have it, five foolproof signs for picking out the gays in your ward. Always remember that the gay is all around us. If we aren’t vigilant, the next thing you know, we’ll have gay bishops, stake presidents, and even home teaching consultants!

(Okay, seriously, what does a home teaching consultant do? I mean, it sounds like home teaching coordinator, but if they wanted me to be the home teaching coordinator, then why didn’t they just call me to be that? What’s with the whole singles-ward-invent-a-calling thing? I totally need to do my home teaching….)