Soy Made Me Gay

The boy looked extremely young in the video that was streaming over YouTube.  In it, he said that he was sixteen and that it was about the year since he told his parents he was gay.  He heartbreakingly tried to hide the pain on his face as he described how his father pretty much dismissed and ignored the issue and how his mother grew mean towards him – even calling him a “faggot” in an apparent attempt to shame him into straightness.  I wanted to reach through the laptop screen and give the poor kid a hug.  While my family always showed love and support for me, I definitely remember the loneliness of what it is to grow up gay.  Even worse, while he showed remarkable maturity for his age, you could see small seeds of bitterness sprouting towards his parents.

I didn’t really come out to my parents until I was much older, but if I had been around more gay people growing up, I imagine it would have happened fairly early like the kid in the YouTube video.  Kids are coming out much younger these days because society’s growing approval of homosexuality makes them feel safer and less ashamed.  This is actually a good thing.  The sooner a kid can acknowledge his sexuality and deal with it, the less “closet time” they have to endure – even if they never decides to publicly come out.  Closet time is not productive time…at all.

So what do you do when your 15-year-old son tells you that he is gay?

Things To Do Immediately:

1. Give him a hug
   Immediately.  Kids (and, well, grow-ups, too) can be terrified to tell you that they are gay.  Even if you have shown nothing but love in the past, in their mind this changes everything and there is always the possibility of rejection.
2. Tell him you love him no matter what
   Be as clear in this as you possibly can and use that “What I Say Is Absolute Law” face that only parents seem to possess.  This is no time to assume that “he knows how I feel”.  This is game time, people.  Time to step up to the parenting plate and take control of the situation.  By letting your son know that no force under heaven or hell could make you stop loving him you are adding stability to his world which is in turmoil and setting a foundation of love that he is really going to need in the coming years.  Your home needs to be a refuge for him; he has already been hit with a thousand different voices arguing over his situation and that is just going to get worse.  You really need to establish yourself as a person of safety for him.  That starts here.
3. Put your own feelings on the backburner
   You might not have any gay friends or really have had any experience with gay people.  Honestly, it may creep you out a bit.  You may also be overcome with sadness for the pain that your son has already felt (and will yet feel) because of his sexuality.  Your world has probably been turned upside down along with his.  Why your son?  All that will have to be addressed later.  Your son will be hyper sensitive to any level of discomfort that you express.  If you have to keep repeating in your mind, “he’s still my son, nothing’s changed”, do it.
4. Talk about it (once the crying stops)
   He might not say much in the initial conversation (or he may talk for hours), but he probably hasn’t really discussed it much with anyone.  Especially if you’ve had a safe and loving household in the past, you are likely to be the first people he has come out to.  Talking allows him to express himself in a way that he likely has never done before, but also shows that you aren’t scared of the issue.  If you feel you cannot discuss the issue without showing signs of discomfort, then tell him that you don’t have to talk about it then (not that you don’t want to talk about it), but you will tomorrow (or Sunday, or whenever, but there should be a definite time and it should be soon – this will help him feel as though you aren’t avoiding it).
5. Go for ice cream
   Or to a movie or mini-golf or whatever you like to do together.  This will let him know that life goes on-your family-goes on and as far as your relationship goes, nothing has changed.

Things To Do In The Next Few Weeks:

1. Talk
   You should probably have a couple of conversations in the next few weeks.  Ask questions and don’t be scared to ask personal questions if you feel it is appropriate.  This will help him once again feel like you aren’t uncomfortable with the issue and therefore aren’t uncomfortable with him.  It also encourages honesty.  Be honest in return…but tactful.  Encourage him not to dwell on his sexuality, but make it clear you are always available to talk if he wants to.  Always.
2. Suggest counseling
   After the initial conversation, there is a bit more flexibility in your dialog with your son. It’s now okay to admit that you don’t know and understand everything when it comes to homosexuality and may need professional help in finding out more.  If you feel there may be a need for counseling (even if only to encourage dialog), suggest it.  Make sure that your son knows that you aren’t suggesting counseling in order to “fix” him (especially if he mentions feeling “broken” or “messed up”).  Counseling probably shouldn’t come up in the initial conversation so he doesn’t feel like you are going into “damage control”.  Suggest going as a family (parents+him).
3. Suggest talking to the bishop, if necessary
   If your son reveals any sexual transgression, recommend that he talk to the bishop.  Do so gently, but firmly.  Make it clear that his sexuality does not exempt him from keeping high standards or obeying family rules.  This shows that you don’t equate his sexuality with sin and neither should he.  In the next few weeks, it would be appropriate to reaffirm the Law of Chastity in an “it applies to everyone, even you” way.  Be careful and find out all the facts, however, in order not to equate any possible sexual abuse experienced by your son with sinful behavior on his part.

Things Not To Do…Ever:

1. Don’t say “you’re too young to know” or “it’s just a phase”
   If he is talking to you about it, trust me, he knows.  He has already spent years (I know, he’s only fifteen, but still, years) dealing with the questions and confusions.  Even though I didn’t allow myself to think it until I was in my late teens-early twenties, I first had the anxiety-filled suspicion that I was different before puberty and by sixteen the thought of it would send me to the bathroom to vomit.  Trust me, he knows.
2. Suggest that anything “made him gay”
   This includes playing with dolls, not playing sports, not being there for him, being too smothering, tv, friends, movies, soy, etc.  This places the thought in his head that his sexuality could have been prevented and the guilt-trip that this will send him on will be Trans-Siberian (i.e. big-time guilt).
3. Call him names
   Ever, ever, ever.  What the crap was the matter with that woman?
4. Talk to other people as if he is straight
   You by no means need to broadcast your sixteen-year-old son’s sexuality on the internet, but the minute you respond to your nosy neighbor asking why your son doesn’t date much with “he hasn’t found the right girl yet” you are sending mixed signals.  You may be trying to respect your son’s privacy, but likely he’ll feel that you didn’t believe all that business about loving him no matter what and that you are actually ashamed of him.  Trust will be lost.  Discuss with your son how to address the issue.  Maybe the most appropriate answer to nosy neighbor ends up being, “mind your own business”.
5. Fail to stick up for him
   Sure, you son may be in drama club, choir, cheer squad, and dance club which makes you wince as polish your football state championship ring, but your kid should never hear you belittle his talents or interests to others.  I wasn’t the most athletically inclined growing up, but I often heard my parents praise my academic accomplishments or “creative abilities”.  They encouraged my talents, even if they weren’t necessarily the talents that were valued by others in the community.

What if it is “too late”?  What if your son came out years ago, ending in a huge fight with everyone getting it wrong, big time?  The good news is that there are very few things on this earth that you can’t recover from – and this isn’t one of those things.  The longer the time has passed, the longer it may take, but you can still let your gay son know that you love and accept him, which will make sure that fewer and fewer videos like the one mentioned above appear on YouTube.

—
Note: Most of the time, I write specifically about homosexuality as it relates to gay men.  I do this simply because that is the perspective with which I am the most familiar.  Most of what I write applies to gay women as well, but I don’t have any lesbian friends (that I know of) and I am uncomfortable to speak for a group that I have so little experience with.  So, I guess what I am saying is, if I am ever off base, Samantha, feel free to bust me on it.  K?

I knew that it would come and sure enough, roughly one week after coming out my ward, friends, and the Internet, I caught myself thinking, “well, what now?”

Church went along as normal yesterday (as I expected it to).  Work is going along as normal.  Life is going along as normal.  I knew it would, but it is sometimes strange to actually see it..  The world didn’t explode once I revealed that I, in fact, think Lee Fanning from Pushing Daisies is just adorable.  I wasn’t stoned for making it known that I was in the group of people watching Resident Evil for Eric Mabius, not Milla Jovovich (it’s not like anyone watched it for the plot).  When all was said and done, it wasn’t as important to people that I was gay as much as I was trying to live my life in a Christ-like manner-which is something we have in common.  Sometimes people surprise you.  Sometimes, they wonderfully don’t.

So where do I go from here?  To be honest, I’m not 100% sure.  I have some ideas of a long-term direction, but I’m still figuring things out a bit.  The Church has done its job well; I want a family.  It’s just the whole wife part that I’m not really on board with.  Gay marriage is out.  So…yeah….  A large problem for me is that, well, I don’t like working – at any job.  When I’m the only one who benefits from it, it feels especially pointless.  Sure, sure “keep myself from starving to death in a gutter” carries some motivation, but providing for a family seems like it would be more worthwhile.  Yeah, someone to go through life with would be nice.  It would even be nicer if they were hot….

Anyway.

I’m not dwelling too much on this.  I learned a while ago that if I focus too much on the future, I end up making myself miserable.  The future will happen whether I worry about it or not.  So, I think about it for a while and then leave it alone for a bit.  But yeah, the future…who knows?  You know?

I was sitting in my car yesterday after a shoot while waiting for a guy to come pick up the HD camera.  I was listening to music and wiped the green screen paint off my fingers before switching to the next song on my iPod.  As I listened to “Peace and Hate” by The Submarines, I realized that I felt…weird.  I sat there for a few moments, trying to identify the feeling that I felt.  Once I did, I almost laughed out loud; the feeling that I was having such a hard time identifying was that I felt normal.

Since Sunday, I’ve had my anxious moments, but I’ve never doubted that outing myself was the right thing to do.  The posts on my personal blog, facebook, and this blog were all overwhelmingly supportive.

I tried to make sure that I was at a state where I didn’t view coming out as a solution to anything.  I tried to make sure that I was in a state where if I came out and everything went very wrong, that I would still be okay.  That being said, coming out has been great for my personal self-worth.  Let’s face it, having most of the people that are most important to you (and even complete strangers) tell you that they support you would benefit just about anyone.

I don’t necessarily recommend coming out publicly like I did.  Some people may need some time to come to terms with their own sexuality before they let everyone know.  Some people’s situations are more complicated than mine.  Some are content to just let a few friends and family know and as long as they aren’t constantly plagued by negative thoughts toward themselves, I support them.  I, however, knew that for me to continue as a productive member of the Church, I could not longer live with the thought that I had to keep that part of myself secret.  So I came out, and so far, so good.

But life continues on.  I know that coming out hasn’t solved all my problems.  I know that there will still be loneliness, frustration, and all the other negative emotions that one can think of.  But there is one that I refuse to feel anymore and that is the need to hide myself from the world.

I’m Clint and I am a gay man.  …Friggin awesome.

You know there is always that one testimony every month that makes everyone feel really awkward, avoid eye contact and makes everyone shift uncomfortably in their seat?  Well, I decided to get that one out of the way early this month.

I just wanted to let everyone know why I am here.

My entire life, I’ve on some level known that I was gay.  Growing up gay in the church was really hard.  Living gay and active in the church can be really hard.

But no matter what I want to be true, no matter what I hope to be true, no matter what I think to be true, I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.  It’s a knowledge that is impossible to take away from me.  (I’ve tried.)  I know President Monson is a prophet of God.  I know the Book of Mormon is true.

I don’t say all this to solicit pity (although I do enjoy a good pity party), guilt, or to shock.  I say this because no matter what our individual situations, the church is amazingly, frustratingly, inconveniently, wonderfully true…so what else matters?

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I walked passed the bishopric and the stake president (of course he would happen to be there) and down the aisle to my seat back in the chair section.  A third of the way there, I realized that I was looking down.  “Hold your head up!” I forcefully told myself, “You are not ashamed!”  I held my head up as I walked back to my seat.  When I slid into my chair, one friend put his arm around my shoulders, another smiled at me through teary eyes, and another turned around and gave me a smile and a thumbs-up.

So why did I out myself to my entire ward yesterday?

1. To let other gay Mormons know that they aren’t alone.
   I don’t know if there are other gay members of my ward, but if there are, I wanted them to know that there are other gay members out there, doing our best to live the gospel.  Loneliness and isolation are the kryptonite of the gay Mormon.
2. To help remove some of the stigma associated with homosexuality.
   I didn’t plan on it, but I was asked to help bless the sacrament yesterday.  I wanted to be the first one to bear my testimony (rip off the band-aid) and before I went up, I realized the significance of what was going to happen.  I was going to stand up from behind the sacrament table and, in front of the bishopric, the stake president, and my ward, reveal that I was gay.  I wanted to help dispel the myths that if you are gay you are a sinner (well, no more than anyone else at least) and unworthy of participation in the church.  I wanted to show that gay people aren’t disgusting pervs.   I wanted everyone to know that you shouldn’t be ashamed, and I am not ashamed, of being gay.
3. To raise awareness.
   I’ve had people tell me that they thought I might be gay but dismissed the idea because I was active in the church.  I wanted people to know that gay Mormons are out there.  It’s a lot harder to hate a group of people when one of them is sitting next to you in Elders Quorum.
4. To bear my testimony.
   I wanted to come out in testimony meeting because I wanted everyone to know what I believe.  Plus, a lot of my testimony was built while I was sorting out my sexuality.  It is a part of my testimony like my mission, youth classes, and everything else in my life.

Oh, and by the way, my real name is Clint.