Soy Made Me Gay

I admit it. I have a “gay” agenda. It is the result of nights of plotting and scheming: Plan A’s and Plan B’s. I consider strategy and laugh maniacally as I see my designs come to fruition….

What? A bit much?

Fine, no maniacal laughter, but at least there is an agenda – albeit not all that “secret”. My big gay plan is this: I want people to stop and think twice about publicly opposing homosexual interests-specifically gay marriage. Now, before you start screaming the 23rd Psalm and commence to spritzin’ the holy water, let me ‘splain.

I want to normalize homosexuality in a way that people recognize it to be a condition that happens every now and then and become accustomed to having gays around. Homosexuality isn’t some tacky rainbow secret combination that is out to destroy Christendom through gentrification and snappy outfits.

If you want to stand up for your beliefs as the prophet has asked, that is commendable. It truly is. More often than not, the words of our prophet fall on deaf ears. But I make a request: please, check your motives first.

I want to protect children from the harmful influence that homosexuality can have, you say. Okay, but remember that I am gay, too. Your brother, your son, your friend. Ah, but “he is different”. No, I am not. I am just as gay as the next queer. I didn’t ask to be gay just like you didn’t ask to be straight, but know that I am no more ashamed of my sexuality than you are. If gays are harmful influence to your children, then so am I. Do you really feel the need to protect your family against me?

I want to protect traditional marriage, you say. Okay, but know what that truly means. You aren’t protecting it from people who aren’t taking the commitment seriously – no less than you did, anyway. Our feelings for the people we love run just as deeply as yours and we want to create families with them just as much as you did. Our capacity to love is just as mature, significant, and profound as yours. Would you be satisfied with a “domestic partnership” being your only option when it came to building a family?

I want to protect the church, you say. The church could lose its tax-exempt status if it doesn’t comply with a possible mandate to solemnize same-sex marriages. No longer would we be able to write off tithing and fast-offerings as charitable contributions. Um…is your motivation in this actually money? Are you really okay with that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to Prop-8 Agnostic? I maintain that position. How can I still say that? Because I simply want people to consider the motivations behind their actions and take an honest look at the issue from the perspective of someone on the other side. If anything, Christ taught that the motivations behind our actions are just as important as the actions themselves. If we are taking a position out of fear, hate, or greed, then maybe we need to take a step back to reflect.

It can be scary to question your own beliefs, because, what if you don’t end up at the same result? But, then again, do you really want to have your beliefs based on anything other than the truth? If you can take a step back and make sure that your beliefs are free from prejudice, misinformation, and even hatred, then you will be able to continue with confidence and demonstrate true compassion. It is more difficult that way, it’s true, but remember that unscrupulous means often leads to hollow and disillusioning ends.

Now, not to leave the other side out: demonizing swings both ways. It’s true that many in the religious right hasn’t always been, well, civil towards the gay community.  There have been times where they’ve been downright horrible. But is a motivation behind your actions based on a desire for familial responsibility and equality or on years of hurt because of mistreatment? You may assume that Ma and Pa Redneck are only doing what they are because they were told that by their preacher/bishop, but are you ready to accept that they might have a gay son that they love and accept and after careful consideration still disagree with you on the issue of gay marriage? Are you sure that you aren’t just as close-minded as you claim your opponents to be by assuming all religious people are bigots? Many aren’t. Many can accept the points above, can show genuine compassion, and can still think differently with you. An open-minded person can show genuine love and compassion for someone even while disagreeing with them. Do you truly believe that just because someone is different, they are worthy of acceptance and respect…or does that just apply to people who are different from “them”?

More than anything, this is a call to honesty. If you really have to believe that the other side is hateful/evil/sinful/immoral/bigoted/selfish in order to maintain passion in your cause, then maybe you should take some time to purify your motives and consider the consequences of your words and actions. Look at it from a new perspective, “their” perspective. If people actually saw the other side as, well, people who are like them (which they are, I’m serious) they might actually be able to disagree and still love each other at the end of the day. I trust people to be able to do that. I really do.

I guess this violates what I said two posts ago, but, come on, did you really think that that was going to stick?

Being a Mormon in the film production industry is uncommon.  Let me rephrase, being an active Mormon in the film industry is uncommon.  So much so, that when other people find out that I am Mormon, often they don’t know what to say.

Mostly the reaction I get when people find out my religion is, “oh, I hope I don’t offend you!”  They assume that one sexual reference or “F-Bomb” is going to send me off to scrub my ears in a shocked fit of prayer.  I did go to non-BYU film school, people.  We watched unrated movies and everything.  Even foreign movies.

To their statement I usually laugh and say, “don’t worry, I’m actually pretty hard to offend,” which is true.  While I’m easily irritated, truly offending me is rare.

But now, I am deeply hurt and offended.  I can’t point to anyone individually, but the people that have caused me to feel emotionally heavy and dark are the two political groups currently fighting over Prop 8 in California.  I’ve always been Prop 8 Agnostic in my public communications and I continue to be so in the effort to not have my opinion sway anyone one way or another (as if that could happen).  I have read many blog posts and comments that have been very civil and diplomatic in their support for and opposition to the proposition.  Unfortunately, I have seen much more name-calling, outright lying, and plainly evil rhetoric being lobbed back and forth.  Having an inherent foot in both sides of the argument, being hit from both sides has caused my protective “don’t take it personally” filter to break down and many of the statements have seeped in.  According to these groups:

Because I am gay I:

• am selfish.
• am immoral.
• am dangerous to children.
• am harmful to society.

Because I am Mormon I:

• am a hatemonger.
• am anti-family.
• am intolerant.
• am harmful to society.

I admit, the gay ones hurt more than the Mormon ones (I’ve been hearing them my whole life) and while I’ve always been taught to never be ashamed of my beliefs – I don’t have the same years of open conviction when it comes to my sexuality.  It is hard not to take things personally when they are attacking two things about me that are very personal.

So, I have decided that I am no longer going to read, watch, or participate in any more discussions, articles, or news stories related to Prop 8.  I realize that people feel that they should stand up for their beliefs and that’s fine, but I, however, can’t.  The issues are too close, the pain is too real, and I am too tired.

I spent time with friends this weekend.  I talked with them, laughed, played with their kid….  To them, none of the above is true.  I am focusing on that; the rest will have to take care of itself for now.

I know I said that I avoided this subject, but well, whatever.  The Mormon blogosphere has been quite abuzz lately over the California Amendment.  With the Church’s urging of people to express their views online it seems that both sides have come out in full force.  Unfortunately, however, the tone that a lot of these conversations take can be very damaging for gay members of the Church.  Discussions too often come down to mudslinging, name-calling, and personal attacks.

This morning, I read a post on a friend’s blog where she supported the ban on same-sex marriage (she doesn’t know that I am gay).  My issue was not over the fact that she didn’t support same-sex marriage, but that her writing was so cold and close-minded.  In my relatively short experience, being open-minded is a virtue and doesn’t involve what you believe, but how you respond when faced with things that you don’t believe.

I know a lot of members of the Church want to show their support of the prophet and speak out for their beliefs and I applaud their efforts.  What I warn, however, is that if you aren’t careful, you can alienate the members of the Church who are gay and striving to live the commandments or even those members who aren’t gay, but are struggling to resolve their faith and personal political views.

Here are some suggestions for when you are writing your blog post or having your conversation at church:

1. Vinegar just ticks people off.
   Suggesting that people who support same-sex marriage or are unsure of their position are “stupid” or “apostate” isn’t productive.  I assume you are writing a post or comment because you are trying to change someone’s mind or sway their opinion.  Personal attacks never change someone’s mind, but usually solidify it further in their opposition to you.  I had a roommate of another faith who moved out after my sexuality became too much for him to handle.  Now, every time he talks to me he preaches to me about how I need to come to Jesus (he doesn’t believe the LDS Church is Christian).  I found myself reacting so strongly against him that I eventually decided that he was impeding my progress in the gospel and I had to stop contact with him.  I know his intent was to convert me to the “true Jesus”, but his heavy-handedness  was starting to push me further away from God.  If he truly wanted to convert me, he should have tried being more understanding and loving.
2. Talk about what you know.
   The strongest and most understandable argument for supporting a same-sex marriage ban is that the Lord has a prophet on the earth and that that prophet Thomas S. Monson.  As the Lord’s mouthpiece, he has counseled us to support such an amendment.  State your testimony of his calling and guidance.  If you try to talk science or politics of which you only have a vague familiarity, your arguments starts to lose validity because a lot of gay Mormons know the studies, science, and theories probably better than you.  We can tell if you are talking about something you are completely ignorant of.  It can be like hearing protestant churches talking about what Mormons believe, even though it is obvious that their information came from completely inaccurate sources.  Please, please don’t base your entire knowledge of homosexuals on “that one guy in high school who I’m pretty sure is living with some guy in DC now”.  “I know not save the Lord hath commanded me” (Moses 5:6) is a valid argument.  Your testimony of prophets is your best bet.  Stick with it, unless you really know what you are doing.
3. Listen.
   I posted some comments on several blogs that had very active discussions about same-sex marriage.  They mostly pointed out the existence of gay Mormons and urged people to think about them as they made their statements.  My comments were largely ignored (interestingly, I was only acknowledged by the person making the most ignorant statements about homosexuality).  I was rather annoyed.  It was pretty clear that I was probably the only one in the discussion who was gay, but people were so busy arguing with each other, that the one person that this issue actually affected personally was disregarded – by both sides.  I briefly came to the conclusion that gays were just pawns in a Mormon political battle.  While I admit now that part of my frustration was due to a bruised ego, realize that these are people and not just principles that you are arguing over.
4. Imagine that everyone in the room is gay.
   It is possible, even likely, that someone in the Church meeting where you are expressing your opinion is gay or that a gay Mormon will be reading your blog.  You may be concrete in your views, but they may still have questions.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t have faith or a testimony -  they are just still unsure of some things.  Is your statement going to help or hurt their faith?  Imagine that your father/brother/husband is gay.  Could you say the exact same thing to their face without feeling uncomfortable?  No?  Then maybe you should sit back and revise -  not necessarily the end result, but the path to getting there.

The point of all this is that there are real people that are caught in the middle of this debate.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” debate because some of “us” are also some of “them” and while it may be easier if they were just “weeded out”, we need to remember that we aren’t the weeders.  The Lord does the weeding.  We are the caretakers.  Everyone is responsible for their own actions, but if we, through our actions or words, make it easier for one of the Lord’s beloveds to leave (regardless of the issue) or serve as a barrier to entry into the Kingdom, we will be held accountable for that.  Doctrine is doctrine, but as Joseph Smith taught:

“No power or influence can be or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned.

By kindness, and by pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile-

Reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase in love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”
D&C 121:41-43. (emphasis added)