5 Ways To Spot A Gay Mormon

Let’s face it, with the advent of metrosexuality and modern concepts of hygiene and grooming, it’s now harder than ever to determine if the guy in the snappy pinstripe suit sitting next to you in your singles ward Elder’s Quorum “plays for the other team”, “swings that way”, or “overuses clichés” if you “get my drift”. But with this handy list, you’ll now be able to pick that homormon out of Institute class faster than an English student correcting your grammar, even when it doesn’t fricking matter!

  1. He sings in the choir even when he isn’t trying to get a date with a soprano.
    This guy actually wants us to believe that he enjoys singing. Nice try Mr. Homosexual! The next thing you’ll want us to believe is that acting in the Ward Roadshow is a “great way to get to know people”. If by “people” you mean “dudes” then yes it is.
  2. He’s 25 and single.
    Nothing says menace to society and flaming queer like being unmarried and in your late twenties. In fact, being unmarried after your 25th birthday is actually one of the biggest causes of homosexuality. Look it up. It’s science.
  3. He “hangs out” with girls a lot.
    Everyone knows that since hanging out ban was made the eleventh commandment, the only righteous way to spend time with the ladies is to take them out on a date that is paid for and prearranged. Anything less organized or expensive should be considered homosexual behavior.
  4. He brings a pie to the Linger Longer.
    Any cooking done by a straight man has to be in grill or dutch oven form and usually involves ground beef and tin foil. What will he bring next? Non-M&Med cookies?!
  5. He doesn’t kiss on the first date.
    Don’t let his assertions that he respects women fool you, if he refuses to kiss a girl until at least the second or (wait for it) ….third date, he must be terrified of women and therefore is a gay.

There you have it, five foolproof signs for picking out the gays in your ward. Always remember that the gay is all around us. If we aren’t vigilant, the next thing you know, we’ll have gay bishops, stake presidents, and even home teaching consultants!

(Okay, seriously, what does a home teaching consultant do? I mean, it sounds like home teaching coordinator, but if they wanted me to be the home teaching coordinator, then why didn’t they just call me to be that? What’s with the whole singles-ward-invent-a-calling thing? I totally need to do my home teaching….)

8 thoughts on “5 Ways To Spot A Gay Mormon

  1. Kengo Biddles

    Or Sunday School Presidents, or Members of the Bishopric (Abelard), or HP Group leaders (a guy I know). Yes, Yes, indeed. Those nefarious gays are making inroads into our faith! What’s next? CENTERPIECES in Priesthood?

  2. SallyGirl

    It’s not just singles wards that they make up callings for. We’ve got “Hall Monitor” to make sure those primary escapees really are going to the bathroom instead of ducking out. We’ve also got “Primary Floater” who just fills in whenever somebody doesn’t show up.

  3. worried non mormon native utahn

    I hope that was a joke!!!
    Gay people are first and foremost. . . People.

  4. Cliff Post author

    @WNMNU – Don’t worry. Yes, it is a satirical post.

    @Kengo B. – We’re lucky if we have a white board in EQ, much less centerpieces….

    @SallyG. – That’s actually kind of awesome.

  5. April

    Is it just me, or do all the married Mormon guys I know seem so feminine? It’s really rediculous. Flat ironed hair, skinny, pretty….these are the types of guys I tend to see. (Think David Archuleta) Does that mean they are gay? Or just metrosexual? Is this a good way to spot the gay Mormons, or are they just wannabes? lol

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