I knew that it would come and sure enough, roughly one week after coming out my ward, friends, and the Internet, I caught myself thinking, “well, what now?”
Church went along as normal yesterday (as I expected it to). Work is going along as normal. Life is going along as normal. I knew it would, but it is sometimes strange to actually see it.. The world didn’t explode once I revealed that I, in fact, think Lee Fanning from Pushing Daisies is just adorable. I wasn’t stoned for making it known that I was in the group of people watching Resident Evil for Eric Mabius, not Milla Jovovich (it’s not like anyone watched it for the plot). When all was said and done, it wasn’t as important to people that I was gay as much as I was trying to live my life in a Christ-like manner-which is something we have in common. Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes, they wonderfully don’t.
So where do I go from here? To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. I have some ideas of a long-term direction, but I’m still figuring things out a bit. The Church has done its job well; I want a family. It’s just the whole wife part that I’m not really on board with. Gay marriage is out. So…yeah…. A large problem for me is that, well, I don’t like working – at any job. When I’m the only one who benefits from it, it feels especially pointless. Sure, sure “keep myself from starving to death in a gutter” carries some motivation, but providing for a family seems like it would be more worthwhile. Yeah, someone to go through life with would be nice. It would even be nicer if they were hot….
Anyway.
I’m not dwelling too much on this. I learned a while ago that if I focus too much on the future, I end up making myself miserable. The future will happen whether I worry about it or not. So, I think about it for a while and then leave it alone for a bit. But yeah, the future…who knows? You know?
These days you don’t need a wife (or a husband) to have a family. There are lots of unwanted children who would greatly benefit from a loving home environment that you could provide.
Yes, ideally children should be raised with a mother and a father in a loving home environment. But having just a father in a loving home environment is still tons better than many of the two parent home environments our society has to offer.
There was a man who made headlines here in Norway a couple years ago when he became the first single man to adopt. It’s very difficult to adopt when single, but a few women had managed to get approved. He was the first man to do so and he adopted a little boy from China. One of my co-workers actually knew him personally and said how great of a dad he was and how happy the little boy seemed.
When adoption isn’t an option, one of the greatest things you can do is sponsor a child. World Vision is my favourite of such organizations because you have personal contact with children and you can exchange letters, pictures, even small packages with them. When I was living in Canada, I used to sponsor a young girl from Haiti and I loved doing it. She loved getting my letters and I loved getting hers. I was feeling pretty lonely at that time in my life and it helped to fill a void. 30 bucks a month was a small price to pay for the joy, not to mention the help that she and her family were getting because of it.
(I watch Ugly Betty for the same reason you watched Resident Evil)
As for thinking of the future, I make long term plans, but I think RARELY on them, and work on the short term goals, here to next year, because like you, for some reason, the thought of long-term terrifies and depresses me.
And it’s not Miki–or the boys–it’s just life.
*sigh*
Your website has really opened my eyes to people living in the church who are trying to deal with a hard trial in their life. I have commented on your site to many of my friends and they have all responded as I did when I originally stumbled across your blog “Gays in the church?” After reading several of your posts I have become ashamed by my lack of understanding. Of course Jesus loves each of us, and so should we. I commend you for being the strong person that you are and look forward to future posts.
@ LDSQuigley
Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad you’ve found the site useful. Yep there are gays everywhere these days, even in the Church. :-)
You sound like you would be a great father. When the time is right, look into adoption. I know if you were in my ward, my friends and I would help you to raise that child as a community. I live in Southern CA. Hell, if you’re close I could help you. You deserve all the joys a child can bring. Pray about it.