You’re on your own journey. You’ve decided to make that journey public, but the message you deliver can remain authentic even if it deviates from the path you envision.

I’m in a far different place than I ever imagined I’d be, in many ways. I didn’t marry. I never had kids. I also never found one man to settle down with. I’ve changed careers at least twice. I’ve maintained lifelong friendships with several people. I lived in Europe for many years. I live in Denver now, a city I admired as a teenager as I passed through on a cross-country trip. I’m in training to become a pharmacist – a dream since my first year of college many years ago. I’ve had a rich life.

I’ve “failed” many times. But each of those failures launched me into a new direction. Add failures and the events that follow together and they synergize to become successes. My journey has not been easy nor has it been smooth. But life is messy sometimes and perceived failure hurts.

Thanks for sharing your journey. I promise to observe without judgment.

“Some of us will leave the church and become bitter and angry.”

That’s something that we all understand can happen and we always fear that it will happen to gay Mormons if they “give in.” Really, it can happen with any of us, whether gay or straight.

“Some of us will leave the church and become happy.”

I think that’s the part that a lot of us don’t get, including myself. “Wickedness never was happiness,” the saying goes. But when someone maybe does “fall by the wayside” and tells me that they’re genuinely happy and they certainly appear to be happy, then how can I really argue that? “Men are that they may have joy.” I hate to tell people how to have joy when we all experience it in different ways.

One of my favourite blogs is Gayldsactor. He’s taken a different road than you have, and yet is very commited to the Gospel. His story has been a real eye-opener for me and a lesson in compassion and understanding for the choices that some us make in our lives. It’s reminded me that in the end, the only one we have to answer to is God. If we’re at peace with our God, then that’s the main thing for me. And that’s the question we always have to ask ourselves, no matter what our circumstances or choices.

Thanks!

Your honesty is refreshing. I think that anytime I start feeling like I couldn’t fail/fall (I’m not sure I get “failure”, but I do get “falling”), the Lord let’s me be humbled. Being honest with myself about my very real weaknesses and needs, as you spoke of yours, has been crucial to maintaining a sense of peace and fulfillment, even as I resist/redirect some very real longings.

What Scott said really resonates concerning this flow of change we’re all really involved in. People experience peace and then struggle, and then conflict, and then conflict again, even as someone might feel certainty, and then doubt, and then certainty, and then doubt again. I believe all of our Sinai and wilderness moments (and the back and forth between them) is all part of our refinement. There was some discussion some time back between “gays”, “ex-gays”, “ex-ex-gays”, and then “ex-ex-ex-gays”… how many reversals does it take until someone decides they’ve found their place? Not sure, but I’m not sure it matters as much as simply execpting that there’s so little finality in this world. We’re all traveling this journey that is bound to reveal some unexpected twists and turns. And as Jenkin Lloyd Jones has said (and whom President Hinckley loved to quote), “The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Regardless of where you or I or Scott end up (though I expect to continue along in the direction I am), the more we can nurture a culture of openness, compassion, and authenticity among those in the Church dealing with this issue in whatever capacity, the better off will be the generations coming up behind us.

I appreciated the post; thanks for your thoughts.

@Carolyn – Oh, wow.

@Bravone – I don’t fault anyone for staying in the closet because of their own sense of privacy. What I don’t support is people who want to be out, but stay in because they feel like they have to.

@Kengo B., and @Scott – I’ve discovered while keeping various blogs and such that my intent is not always a factor in how people use my words. This is especially true for Soy. For example, there were people for and against Prop 8 linking to my blog using me as an example to prove their point. …Which was weird…and confusing. While we may assume that our lives are our own, we, by virtue of simply saying who we are, become open to public scrutiny and criticism. That is the nature of being involved with such a controversial issue. The queerosphere is littered with defunct moho blogs of guys who couldn’t take the pressure anymore (including a couple blogs of my own).

I guess the intent of this post was an attempt at separation of personalities from the issue, so that it wouldn’t matter if I, Ty, Scott, or the other guys out of the closet leave the church to open a gay brothel in Juarez, that the various issues are important enough to be picked up by others and advanced forward.

https://kolobiv.blogspot.com/2008/11/bivs-blog-of-month.html

No matter what happens to you in the future (and I pray for you often), you will still have made a difference in my life right now. I have never read a non-scriptural account that has made more of a difference in my life than your blog.

‘It is my feeling that it is the group of you, gay and married, who need to come out of the closet. Are you doing anything wrong? No! You are trying to live the gospel to the best of your ability. Why should that be shameful? Why can we not teach the youth of the church that a certain percentage of the population is going to deal with this issue and it’s ok. It’s the choices you make that are at issue, not who you are.

The fact that you have kept your “secret” from your brother, who is/has struggled with the same issue for so long, says something about the church and I don’t think it’s something positive. It makes me sad. I hope you can come to the place someday, that you are comfortable speaking about this struggle with everyone who wants to hear it.”

The church is in need of people like you, Scott, Ty, and others who are willing to publicly share their stories. In so doing, there are always risks of potential “failure” that might follow periods of great strength. Someone who looks to you for an example might be disappointed, let down. But your stories of struggle, successes and failures are real and great lessons can be learned from them. Take David, in the Bible, he ultimately fell, but who can discount the good he accomplished and the example he was up to the point of his fall. Even the story of his fall and his remorse afterward is inspirational and instructive.

I too worry about falling again. I have done it before, and feel very vulnerable to doing it again. If that happens, will I have the courage to let others know about it? After coming back into fellowship, I was terrified of failure, still am. I promised my wife that I would never lie to her again. Having said that, I asked her, “What if I fall again?” I needed to know what her reaction would be if I fell and was totally honest with her about it. I will forever be grateful for her response, “We will just start over again.” Isn’t that the hope the atonement gives? I am grateful for her love and spiritual understanding.

God knows our hearts, He knows the burdens we bear. He will not abandon us if we fall. He will be waiting for our hearts to turn again to Him.

You are an excellent example of one who is clinging to the rod. I pray you (we) can hold on. If not, your story, like David’s, will still be one of hope, instruction, and inspiration.

I think the attitude you’re taking to your blog, Clint, is a healthy one.