@Scott (#2) – There is a definite “honeymoon period” when it comes to coming out. As the months pass, I’ve noticed that while some things have changed, most things have not.

@Scott (#6) – Hmm…. I am wary to issue a blanket “come out, come out, wherever you are”. I agree that the closet is a scary place, but coming out has its complications and challenges as well.

@Braveone – I don’t think it matters much how we would have answered those questions back in the day, just how we would answer them today.

@MoHoHawaii, @Captain Midnight, @Carolyn, @Brett – Thanks.

@Dan Weston – Don’t worry, I am most definitely a vertebrate.

solipsism

1) The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known and verified.

2) The theory or view that the self is the only reality.

You are struggling with the fact that you are heading towards the belief that the first definition is true and the second false. You are pursuing Descartes but channeling Hamlet.

Although your struggle with what God wants proves that you know this is not all about you, your current entry uses “I/me/my” over 100 times.

So just what do you know about God’s vision of connubial love that

1) no one has told you and you alone can verify, but

2) does not involve you or depend on you?

You mentioned one thing:

Yeah. That means that unless I get to the point where I feel like I can honestly marry a woman,

You love others enough not to lie to them (or with them) just for your own happiness and to fit in. Sounds like God’s love to me.

then I’ll have to be alone for the rest of my life. That means no relationships that go beyond “just friends”.

Now you’re back to martyrdom, which does have a compelling self-importance to commend it. Where is God in this? Does God really want you to be alone? Or is this fear and self-pity?

So, are you going to start drinking, too? Going to gay bars? Sleeping around?

Absolutely. Sleeping around is the most fulfulling aspect of being gay…

NOT. A little anecdotal reality check from the fully-out gay world. I know at least 4 straight men cheating on their wives. I know no gay men cheating on their husbands.

Why do the brethren seem so eager to believe it’s all about the sex? They crave it to be so. Is it because they know this is not God’s way?

Well, answer them. This is your blog. Is it sex you ache for, or a soulmate? Do you want to conquer and control, or support and nurture? If your husband of 8 years gets cancer, will you dump him (like some politicians we know) and run after some young thing? Or will you lie next to him in the hospital room, changing the bed pan, combing his hair so the doctor will continue to see him as you do, beautiful and worthy?

I know because it happened to me. And even as my husband lay dying while part of me died with him, I summoned the courage to go down the hall once in a while to say hi to the poor old woman lying alone in the last stages of breast cancer, whose husband “didn’t like hospitals” and never came to see her. She outlived Eric’s stay in that hospital, and I imagine she died there alone.

When my husband finally died, I went without sex for two years (like the several years prior). No, it was not a struggle. I didn’t have the heart to desecrate our memory with a stranger. Is this the sort of love that Satan or God created?

But enough about me. What do you know about what you yearn for? Is it the urge for maximum conquest? Or do you long for a life-long partner?

Do you still not trust your inner voice? What would Jesus do? He himself never spoke about homosexuals, except in regards to marriage (Matt 19:10-12), which tells me it must be important:

10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.

11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.

12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Were you born without sexual love in your heart? That is no sin.

Are you a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven’s sake? Good for you.

But if you have been made a eunuch by men, and absent that oppression are still able to receive God’s grace in marriage with the man of your dreams, then, as Jesus said, “let you receive it.”

Frankly, I was already sold three verses earlier, and why I fought so vehemently against Proposition 8:

What therefore God hath ajoined together, let not man put asunder.

Man was not made for sexuality, but sexuality for man. I imagine God gave it to you for a reason. He also gave you a backbone, so that you among animals will walk upright. Use them both as God intended, and you will not need to worry about what Men think.

In the end, I always remind myself that I can do hard things. And that through Christ, I can do all things.

I don’t know how I would have answered those questions 20 years ago. I’m not sure I would have had the conviction to remain true to my faith.

The closet is your enemy.

This brings up an interesting question…

If we accept the premise that the ideal is to be an active member of the Church who is open with his orientation and comfortable being gay, what of the choices that fall short of the ideal?

If a young man wants to come out of the closet and follow his attractions (dating other guys in hope of finding a partner) but is currently keeping his orientation to himself and attending church, etc. so that his family doesn’t suspect anything, what do we recommend to that young man?

Would it be better for him to remain in the closet and continue attending church in the hope that his testimony will be strengthened and he will eventually reach a point where he can make the choices Clint has made?

Or would it be better for him to come out of the closet, and in doing so leave the Church?

I agree with MoHoHawaii. The closet is the enemy. It’s a lonely place, and it’s hard to remain closeted without accumulating a dusty layer of self-loathing. It’s not a place that’s healthy for the psyche or the soul.

My inclination would be to recommend that he come out, and accept himself and find peace in who he is. My own experience in doing so was so powerful that I value it above any spiritual experience I have had in the Church. I don’t think this recommendation would make me popular with the boy’s family, though (or his Bishop or other priesthood leaders).

The closet is your enemy.

I’ve followed your thoughts for a while now. I respect the path you’ve taken.

I didn’t ask myself those questions until well into my marriage, in fact not until recently. Had I known or accepted my sexuality earlier, I could have saved myself and those around me much heartache. However, I don’t know how I would have answered those questions 20 years ago. I’m not sure I would have had the conviction to remain true to my faith. I hope I would have, but am not sure. It is probably a good thing for me that I had more time to mature and deepen my testimony before confronting my ssa. I am glad that I didn’t realize that my ssa wasn’t something that wouldn’t go away with marriage because I would likely have not married and missed the blessing of my family.

I truly admire those who are able to accept their same gender attractions and still hold to the faith, knowing that they might lead lives devoid of the intimacy of a partner – opposite or same gender. I also understand how some cannot bear to live without a partner, feel conflicted about the church, leave it, and embrace a homosexual lifestyle. I hope some day the church will welcome them in its congregations. I believe Christ would.